Oct 10 2008
I’ve Still Never Been To Detriot, Though.
Jeremy at Discovering Dads (who was awesome enough to make this banner for his new website just for me)
is asking people to tell the stories of their greatest adventures (and giving away killer prizes. Just saying.) I have no delusions of winning said contest, but since I have never read One. Single. Harry. Potter. Book. Ever., I thought I’d try my hand at entering.
My gut instinct was to write about my stumbles through parenthood, or my marriage, but then I asked myself, “really, self? Have you done NOTHING of interest? Think, dammit, think!” And so I thought. And came up with nothing.
I am the most boring human alive. Really, besides that one border-hop into some very suspect town in Mexico to buy cheap cigarettes and Valium a guitar for my kid, I’ve never actually left America. I did move to Canada, however, and our first two months here were actually quite adventurous and exploratory, but in a very family-friendly, corporate-sponsored hotel suite sort of way. Not a hell of a lot of grit there.
Just as I was ready to drown my sorrows in a glass of White Zinfandel*, I remembered that Hey! Once I did that thing, and it was totally awesome! Who knows if it will translate on paper, but for the entire Harry Potter collection, I’ll give almost anything a whirl.
Way back in the day, when I drove a fast car that I paid too much money for, and wore a size Barbie, and worked at a gas station because I look hot in polyester brown pants, my best friend from high school and I decided that we could not go one minute more without a cheesesteak. FROM PHILADELPHIA. I asked my boss for a week off, and she told me to shove it up my ass, and I returned the sentiment, and off we went.
We had about 30 hours to prepare for our trip, but since we were both suddenly sans employment, that was no problem. A quick oil change, a rocking mixtape, a trip to the store for Saltines, spray cheese and some of those Arizona teas with Ginseng and honey, and we were set.
Snafu One; I bet you can squeal like a pig: We hit the road in the early hours of the morning from Denver and made it to Nebraska by that evening. We crashed at a friend of her family’s house, and the next morning made the push from Nebraska to Pennsylvania. We got stopped at 4:30 in the morning on a pass in Nebraska for going 75 in a 60, just like EVERY OTHER CAR ON THE ROAD THAT DIDN’T HAVE OUT-OF-STATE PLATES, and officer Deliverance who pulled us over, possibly to rape us and hack our city-dwelling asses into tiny little bits in the Nebraskan darkness, asked where exactly we were going so fast. “My grandfather died last night,” Eva squeaked out through the most awesome, Oscar worthy fake tears I’ve ever seen on a human. “Grrr” was all Officer Deliverance said. And then that fucker searched my car. SEARCHED it. He found cans in the trunk and said, and I quote, “Ah-ha! Beer! I knew it!” to which Eva replied, “Um, dude, apple juice. I’m Mormon.” To which officer Deliverance said, “Grrr. Well, if you hit a duur going 75 miles PER hour, it’ll go clear thrugh your WUNDSHUD.” To which I replied, “Not too likely on a main street in the middle of morning rushhour, homes.” To which he replied, “Grrr. Here’s your ticket. GET OUT OF NEBRASKA.”
(I hate that asshole aside: That’s the one and ONLY ticket I’ve ever got. Better not be on my permanent record.)
Snafu Two; We like the cars, the cars that go boom: We did indeed get out of Nebraska, and fast (suck on THAT, bitch) and Megadeth and caffeine kept us hopping until the PA border. We spent the night on Eva’s uncle’s ranch, in farm country, and early the next morning we set out for Philly. At which point, I hear a boom. We drove a little more and saw some smoke coming from my exhaust. We drove a little more and heard a grind. I did what any savvy, totally able to take care of herself in the real world girl would do; I stopped and called my daddy. His solution? “Throw a quart of oil in it; you’ll be fine.”
I threw a quart of oil in it, and then another when we got to the best steak shop in the history of the world, and then another at my friend’s house in Delaware, and then another once we hit Maryland, and then another once we passed DC, and then when we got to Eva’s still very much so alive Grandfather’s house on Cobb Island in Maryland, the little car that could, couldn’t.
I somehow managed to get the car back up to DC and into the Mitsubishi dealership, and they gave me an estimate of 2 days to have it checked out. Funny, I was supposed to head home that night. OOOPS. So, there we were, Eva, me, her brother who met us there, and her grandfather, stranded on an island on the Potomac. Poor. Abused. Us.
Turns out, I found a way to get the turbo in my car to explode. Like, there was almost nothing left of it. And I had a MONTH left on my warranty. So, an overnight stay at grandpa’s turned into a week long stay, complete with fishing, crabbing, eating fish and crabs, driving around in little golf carts, learning to love cole slaw, sleeping on piers, writing, reading, baking apple pies, and so much laughter, I don’t even know how to tell you.
(Tragically karmic Aside: Grandpa died shortly after our visit. Yes, I totally blame us. And Officer Deliverance. Asshole.)
Snafu Three; Living on reds, vitamin C and cocaine: We left Cobb Island early in the morning and since two were now three, and we had a really zoomzoom new turbo, we decided to drive straight from the bottom of Maryland to the middle of Colorado, through Tennessee. Because I-70 is for pussies. With nothing but spray cheese, saltines and Arizona green tea with Ginseng and honey. The idea was one drove, 2 slept. Except, yeah, we had They Might Be Giants and Megedeth. And were wired like crack whores. Somewhere in the middle of Memphis, we all had a dehydration and sleep deprived moment of divine illumination. In other words, we all saw god. Maybe it was just Elvis, who knows? Either way, the rest of the trip home is a blur. I do remember the New Mexico deserty area, where I won’t even get into what I thought I saw in the haze.
We made it home, but by the grace of Elvis, and I’ve never slept quite that soundly in my whole life. Every muscle hurt, I had no vitamins left in my body, and both my front cars speakers never worked properly again.
But, a few months after that, I met a boy named Josh and had a litter of children with him, and now the most exciting thing I do every day is watch a new episode of Wonder Pets. The next time I will be childless enough to try something like that, I’ll be way to sensible to even think about it. But once, at least once in my whole life, I did something totally reckless. Something downright stupid, something that had no point at all, that cost me more money than I had, that was a complete waste of everyone’s time. And it was GLORIOUS. I wouldn’t trade those two weeks for anything in the whole world.
(In retrospect aside: My car insurance was totally lapsed the whole time. Stop looking at me like that.)
*Kidding. No matter how suburban sell out I get, I will never drink fake wine.
Comments close after 5 days. Because Spam sucks. 35 Comments to “I’ve Still Never Been To Detriot, Though.”
you so deserve first prize girl and i so so so wish i had been with ya’s
Once upon a time, raino wrote..To Cry or not to Cry, in the Office
If there is a better reason for a mad dash across the country than for the love of food a la “Smokey and the Bandit,” I don’t know what it is.
I’m east bound and down….
Once upon a time, Will wrote..Superdad I wasn’t
HA! You should win for sure!
And hey, your days of mad excitement aren’t ALL behind you. You did make out with hot women at BlogHer! HEH.
Once upon a time, Loralee wrote..CLICK!
You win. Hey. My vote has to count for something. Besides, I wasted a perfectly GOOD mouthful of vodka snorting it through my nose on this line:
“Really, besides that one border-hop into some very suspect town in Mexico to buy cheap cigarettes and Valium a guitar for my kid, I’ve never actually left America. ”
which, y’know, was SO at the beginning of the frickin’ post… so I moved my drink far away from my hand while I was reading the rest.
And you’re the ONLY one I would stop drinking vodka on a Friday evening for.
Once upon a time, Ree wrote..Don’t Ask - Just Tell
I had this whole funny comment planned where I was going to point out flaws in your story (like that no one at that age would ever listen to Megadeth AND They Might Be Giants), but then I read Will’s comment and now I just want to talk about Smokey and the Bandit.
Why Sally Field? Maybe Farrah or something, but Sally Field?
Also, there’s no way that the amount of extra cash that Big Enos peeled off his wad in response to Burt Reynolds quip of “speedier than that” would have made the difference between a normal car and a T-top, 1977 Special Edition Trans Am (I would sell my SUV and drive one right now if I could, BTW).
Guess that’s about it. It was a good story, actually…and I am glad to hear you don’t drink Zinfandel.
Once upon a time, Matt wrote..Ready. Set. Go. The Adventure of A Lifetime
So that story rocks. Oh for the days when you could just take off on a pointless road trip. Alas, two kids later and all I really want to know is how you get to watch a new episode of Wonder Pets every day…I keep seeing the same one every freakin time I turn on the TV and yes we have to watch it!!!
Once upon a time, Meredith wrote..W.W. 10.01.08–My Godchild’s Four Today!!!
I’m digging the Grateful Dead reference!
Love the story and I look fondly back on days when I could be careless and crazy and put thousands of miles on my car with nothing to show for it but trash in the floorboard.
Once upon a time, Kool Aid wrote..Keeping up with the little men
Yeah, but how many U-turns did you make? It’s not really a road trip unless you make a lot of U-turns. And cross a border.
*sigh* Really, now.
Once upon a time, Latte Mommy wrote..The Vacation Correlation
I got a ticket at 2am blazing through some mountains in Oregon in a Mustang with Emily dozing beside me. We were trying to get to Eugene before I fell asleep and we’d been behind a semi for an hour so when the lane opened up I passed him and made some distance up. But it was a “speed zone”, clearly marked 15 miles back (so it’s not like I wasn’t given fair warning), and when the cop turned his lights on to pull me over I just hung my head: I earned it.
The highway patrolman came up to the window and, swear to god, said: “Dude! You were going 75 in a 60! I HAVE to give you a ticket.”
Then he told me how to do Oregon’s traffic school online so I didn’t have to show up for court or anything else like that, and boom: 45 minutes and $45 later I didn’t even have it on my record.
If I had been in California I think he would have shot me.
Once upon a time, Backpacking Dad wrote..A Portrait of the Blogger as a Young Twitter…er..?
Tigre and Bunny like the cars that go boom too.
Once upon a time, Hockeyman wrote..Epiphanies
This is an awesome awesome story. My most insane travel stories include a lot of moments of terribly lapsed judgment, but not nearly so many crabs. I’m not sure what that implies, but it’s a good sentence. :) I hope you win!
Once upon a time, MommyTime wrote..If My Body is a Temple, Why Am I So Happy When It Breaks?
Holy crap, you are hilarious. Of COURSE you had to drive to Philly for your cheese steak. I totally get that. :-D
For the record, I’ve never read a Harry Potter book either. I kinda swore I never would…
Once upon a time, Brillig wrote..Avventure
You are awesome. I would NEVER have had the courage to do something so gutsy. I am boring, always have been, always will be.
PS.
There’s nothing wrong with fake wine. It’s cheap and it gets the job done ;)
Once upon a time, Nichole wrote..Want Children? Must Apply.
Crazy… Eva was one of my best friends in middle school. Until she got cool enough to hang out with you, apparently.
Nah… several years ago now, I accepted a premature proposal from a sailor I hadn’t known very long and who was twelve time zones away at the time.
It sounded something like, “Do you want to move to Honolulu and get married?”
So I quit my cooshy job at a law firm, terminated the lease on my beloved apartment, sold my car (wait… I almost sold it to you), and bought a one-way ticket to a town where I knew precisely no one so that I could be completely broke and homeless and standing on the pier with a suitcase when his boat came back from playing Shock and Awe.
But hey, five years of marriage, one toddler, two cats, and a mortgage later, life is good.
anyone seen henry and kumar go to whitecastle ? or something like that. reminds me of this story.
Once upon a time, raino wrote..To Cry or not to Cry, in the Office
Oh, you are so totally going to win with that. Bitch. ;)
Once upon a time, Secret Agent Mama wrote..Winners Revealed
Um, thank you for pimpin my photo. No, really. Thank you.
Once upon a time, OhCaptain wrote..Stories from my youth - Part 1
You should totally come to Detroit!! I’ll buy you a coffee!!
Once upon a time, Bunchy wrote..Did I Ever Mention…
LMAO. Great, great story. You deserve the grand prize fo’ shizzle.
Once upon a time, Lisa wrote..The Butt Crack Of Dawn
I once did a solo drive from LA to Atlanta. I guess that might qualify as an adventure, even though it would be boring to most people. The most noteworthy part about it was almost getting stranded in Flagstaff, AZ by a blizzard. On April Fools Day. And searching the town for the last set of snow chains.
Gotta admit, there’s something romantic about the allure of a road trip, especially a spontaneous one. Not luvvy-duvvy romantic, but nostalgic. I’d do it again if I didn’t have family responsibilities, gas wasn’t so damn expensive, I wasn’t getting older, my vehicles were more reliable… you get the picture. BTW, great story.
Once upon a time, diamond dave wrote..Brain fart
That may be your only one act of random pointlessness, but it was an awfully good story. I’ll bet you have more…
Once upon a time, Courtney wrote..A Little Bitch & Moan
well, have you seen the new Wonder Pets where they save the parrot and return him to the pirate? Awesome.
You’re story is pretty kickin’ too.
awesome story.
those little colorful histories are worth a million times more than the money you spent.
Once upon a time, bluestreak wrote..Cardilicious escapism
The only thing awesomer than this post is the term “size Barbie.”
You are wicked silly good.
Once upon a time, maggie, dammit wrote..Awareness
Hey Lady! I thought I’d done some crazy ass shit in my time…………..but that’s some fucking adventure! And all without drugs! God bless MEGADETH! And God bless you. Peace, Mike.
P.S. Hey take the God bless with a fucking grain of salt…………m’kay?
P.S.S. Oh one more thing…………..I was around when the Grateful Dead was in their heyday……………..I gotta tell ya……….they suck ASS!
You quoted The Dead, for whom I made many similar road trips to see. There was a lot of spray cheese in my past.
And, any time you want to make a road trip to Ohio, I’d be happy to make you a cheesesteak.
Once upon a time, Momo Fali wrote..Spanning the Globe
Ha! He’d totally divorce you for bringing Zinfindel in the house.
Well get this - before Eva was Jan’s best friend and before she was yours, she was my almost BF (turtle will always hold spot #1). Me and Eva we were thick - until I stepped on her hamster and killed it. She never really talked to me again.
And you thought you had the corner on the hamster killing market.
Once upon a time, Marge wrote..Liquid Assets
So, guess who LIVED in Detroit (the place you narrowly escaped, btw) when she last wore a size Barbie, drove a fast car she spent too much money on (only to later catch FIRE in the driveway), wore a polyester uniform while working behind the counter at a Orange Julius and who now considers herself the most boring human alive?
Well . . . I’m not telling.
Nope. Not.
Once upon a time, LaskiGal wrote..On Fear
Great adventure! Thanks for entering and making the contest even more fun ;-)
Once upon a time, Jeremy (Discovering Dad) wrote..Spotlight on Dads - Phil Corless
I don’t think I ever got quite this much distance in - but I remember a spur of the moment ride from Tucson, AZ to San Diego California to eat at In-N-Out burger.
I miss road-trips. :)
Once upon a time, ShredderFeeder wrote..Chaos - The kid behind the name.
You will win.
and keep far away from fake wine my friend.
and size barbie made me snort. lol
Once upon a time, Kim wrote..Weekly Winners
No distance, trial or tribulation is too great for the Perfect Philly Cheesesteak!
You are an icon, right up there with the Libery Bell!
Once upon a time, Kath wrote..Sorta Kinda Peeved
That’s a pretty great adventure, Mr. Lady! Sadly, I don’t have anything to compete. I have lived life within the lines, I think. Think I might have to have an adventure myself one of these days… does it count if I plan it? LOL.
Once upon a time, Linds wrote..Are you a Jacquie or a Marilyn? Or someone else?
Wow, that sounds like an amazing 2 weeks. Very spur of the moment and crazy…but incredible fun!